Sunday, May 21, 2017

I'm still here

It's been so long. The longer it went the more difficult it got to write something. Anything at all.

Children are well and settled in school/day care. It took a while for Oliver but thankfully he is now a very happy boy and his behaviour is also much improved. I love the conversations he is capable of. His latest thing is "Mamma if you die, can daddy marry someone else?" of course I say, only there is no need for me to die really if he wants to marry someone else, he just has to "unmarry" me.

Mike has finally started working in April, he is much happier and while having him at home was great for school runs etc, financially meant we could not save anything. His contract is only till february so we'll see what happens next.

I am not doing very well. Oh everything is ok thankfully, I got more active, I did the couch to 5K challenge and I'm happy to report I made it and try to run that much 3 times a week (with varying degree of success). But work and my science spark has taken a major hit. Two hits in fact in the space of a week... one big paper rejected and one grant (which was vital for mobility and future plans) also rejected at the first evaluation. And I crumbled like never before. I'm questioning why I'm doing this job at all, what value is it really adding to society etc. The thought of going back to study medicine (which was my true call) has reappeared but it's tainted by the fact that I'm probably too old to start now, and the what if I can't actually deal with the emotional side of it all in the end (which was the original reason why I didn't do it in the first place). So I have days where I really would like to do nothing at all. Yet I have people depending on me, my group of lovely and still optimistic students and post docs...and I look at them and think "what do I have to give you anymore?".

4 comments:

  1. Oh dear Fran, two big rejections in the one week! that is a major disappointment. Have a good cry over it. But do not doubt everything because of it. You are still as valuable as before, just not as lucky. There is so much competition!
    So that is another lesson you can learn and teach your students, another lesson you already applied in your personal life: you do not give up easily!
    If you had before you would not have had your kids, your family, your husband. Not sure if you have always been lucky with houses ;)
    I know it is rotten if you worked so hard and have done everything carefully.
    You put your heart in it. Then it didn't work. And that hurts. And you are a caring person, so you hurt more.
    But you do not know for sure what the future will bring, what opportunity is around the corner.
    Big hugs to you!
    VV

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  2. "what do I have to give you anymore?"

    You are asking my question. I feel like my professional growth has stalled, even though the responsibilities keep piling on.

    I hope that you are not taking the rejections too seriously.

    Children do say the funniest things. Yep, you don't have to die to get unmarried. :-)

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  3. Hey, nice to hear the update. I'm sorry to hear about the work disappointments. I wouldn't say you are old to study medicine. So if you still feel drawn to that then maybe it is worth looking into your options. There are certain areas which wouldn't be as tough emotionally. Such as being an anesthetist. That's just my perspective though, I don't really know. Good luck, hope you find something that gives you more meaning soon.

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  4. I hope by now you have bounced back.It is hard when things don't go as planned and I think women have midlife crises as much as men do. I think when we hit a certain age, are not entirely happy with where we are in life it is normal to reflect on our lives and think about what could have been. Not to dismiss outright your preference for medicine; if it is truly a calling then who cares about age!

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