Friday, July 14, 2017

Still low

It seems this blog has yet again taken the role of holding my sorrow...
I am not doing much better than the last time. Sometimes I think I am and then... bang! another rejection  (two would you believe it since the last time I wrote) another sign that my ship has sailed and now they are investing in younger researchers, those that probably will have a much brighter future.

I don't know how to snap out of this status, I feel the institution where I work now has lured me in, got me on the cheap, and now not really investing in me. Why would they do this I wonder? And how can I change it? And more importantly, where do I find the energy to keep smiling and act the Rachel "gracious loser face"?

Sunday, May 21, 2017

I'm still here

It's been so long. The longer it went the more difficult it got to write something. Anything at all.

Children are well and settled in school/day care. It took a while for Oliver but thankfully he is now a very happy boy and his behaviour is also much improved. I love the conversations he is capable of. His latest thing is "Mamma if you die, can daddy marry someone else?" of course I say, only there is no need for me to die really if he wants to marry someone else, he just has to "unmarry" me.

Mike has finally started working in April, he is much happier and while having him at home was great for school runs etc, financially meant we could not save anything. His contract is only till february so we'll see what happens next.

I am not doing very well. Oh everything is ok thankfully, I got more active, I did the couch to 5K challenge and I'm happy to report I made it and try to run that much 3 times a week (with varying degree of success). But work and my science spark has taken a major hit. Two hits in fact in the space of a week... one big paper rejected and one grant (which was vital for mobility and future plans) also rejected at the first evaluation. And I crumbled like never before. I'm questioning why I'm doing this job at all, what value is it really adding to society etc. The thought of going back to study medicine (which was my true call) has reappeared but it's tainted by the fact that I'm probably too old to start now, and the what if I can't actually deal with the emotional side of it all in the end (which was the original reason why I didn't do it in the first place). So I have days where I really would like to do nothing at all. Yet I have people depending on me, my group of lovely and still optimistic students and post docs...and I look at them and think "what do I have to give you anymore?".

Friday, September 9, 2016

Everyone is here

Hello my friends...

Bullet points till I will find some more mojo to get back to writing!


  • Where has the summer gone? Children were in Italy for 6 weeks, we joined them for the last 2 weeks and I took them back with me to Nottingham. Let me tell you, it has not been easy. No childcare to speak of, I was facing 3 weeks of juggling the children and the work on my own. Thankfully I found a summer camp on campus which I used to the last available hour for Oliver and I dragged along Martina when she didn't have her induction time in the day care (also on campus). The weather has been very kind to us, and the house with the garden, and the trampoline (bless whoever invented the trampoline) helped massively to burn energies (the children) and keep the sanity (mine).
  • Mike has moved over last friday and as he is now officially in charge of the children and the house while I take a break and go to the office...no seriously, I am in owe of single moms with young children and no help who seem to manage so gracefully. Kudos to you all out there.
  • Mike has no job yet but now that he is here it should be a bit easier. Meanwhile he is doing a lot of things that otherwise I would have to do. He has been great help and somehow filled his days with a number of tasks which is brilliant. 
  • Oliver started his new school on tuesday. It's a brilliant school, 7 minutes walk from home and Mike collects him in the afternoon. Both enjoy so much the time together, it's fantastic to see the bond growing.
  • Martina is in full time day care on campus, they have their own private woodland and she LOVES it. Every friday they will do this "Forest school", no matter the weather, where they will learn about respect for nature but also building shelters,  tracking games, camp fire cooking....I want to go to!! Its concept originates in Denmark and it sounds amazing.
  • Me. I'm doing ok. Now I have a bit more balance and I managed to catch up on a few things in work. We have been quite successful recently with our research and securing grants so I am more relaxed. My lab is still not ready and the group will relocate in 3 weeks. I'm told "there is plenty of time..." I suspect we will be playing cards for a while.
I will try and be back soon, I am reading though!

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Move complete

Oh why is it so difficult for me to blog these days? I love to see what you have been up to and I think it's the same for you and yet I just seem to have nothing to say.

So after Brexit here nothing has changed. We all think it will change for the worse but nobody knows when it will happen. And we all just go along as normal. But one thing did happen, Mike had an interview with a company after Brexit, they went ahead with the interview, they didn't offer him the job but said he was great and everyone felt he would have been a great fit and to please apply again. I never heard such a thing. You either fit their profile or you don't. Yet it seems they didn't hire him because they decided to stay with the skill set they already had within  the company. We will see.

I moved over the car and now the house has relocated, I have all my things (albeit in boxes!) and Mike is the one who is roaming. The children are in Italy and my parents have been minding them for almost a month. The plan was for them to stay there till the end of August by my parents had enough, so we go for two weeks and then we taken them back....or I take them back to Nottingham. Which will be interesting because I don't know exactly what I can do with them till their school/daycare start. I have booked Oliver into a summer camps here on the University grounds and Martina will start her transition into the day care also on campus. The fact that the children are coming back with me in mid August means I have to have the house in much better shape and much quicker than I thought I had to. Their room was used much as the storage room while I was sorting out the wardrobes (which had to be built and Mike built two out of three already) and now every evening I'm shifting stuff in the attic or into a different room....not fun!!

Of course after months of intense travelling, plus the move etc I came down with the worse flu in years...all last week I had very high temp and a cough. On friday I started feeling a bit better, I still have a cough and very low energy but I'm no longer homebound.

Oh and I got my first UK grant!! So I feel a little less under pressure. Lets hope I continue to do well.

Friday, June 24, 2016

Brexit

Seriously? Seriously?

Trump next?

Because everything that makes no sense at all is possible.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

It's been a long time

Hello there, if you are still there. I think I have lost the groove. Very happy to read what you are writing by never seem to be properly inspired to write a post myself. I'll do a bullet point update:


  • Oliver is in great form, since we met with the therapist that time back in March and she gave us a few pointers we are well on track and his behaviour is like night and day now. Of course we have the occasional moments but we manage them very well (mostly!).
  • Martina had her third birthday back in April and she went today for her developmental check. She is in the 75th % for height and weight and reached all the expected milestones and some. She is very reasonable on the majority of fronts a part when it comes to wearing things. She can change 3 times a day just because she wants to try on something different. She is obsessed with pink and purple, and leggings and dresses and skirts. Don't insist on her wearing a pair of pants or jeans as this is a capital offence. 
  • The move to the UK is happening, I have found a beautiful house and I have the keys as of last monday, we have tenants lined up for our house in Dublin and everything is falling nicely into place. We had a great stint of good weather which helps dramatically too! the house content will relocate the second week in July, I'm tendering at the moment for the best price. We will bring the children to Italy on the 2nd of July and they will stay there till they are ready to move to the UK in August. We will go to Italy on holidays sometime towards the end of July for a couple of weeks and we'll bring everyone back.
  • Work is going very well, I have been travelling A LOT. Switzerland, Holland, Puerto Rico...I'm going to Finland and Norway next week too. I have finished almost all my recruiting for next year, still have one position to fill but hopefully soon. Work has kept me busy and distracted a lot, Mike is amazing at minding the children and I am never worried they are doing well. My mom came over to Dublin the week I went to Puerto Rico to help a bit so that was great.
  • Mike and I have started couple therapy and I think it is helping. I have been positively surprised by the fact that Mike seems to be putting a lot of effort in, also for himself and see if he can overcome some emotional hurdles he clearly has and that clash completely with my needs. Lets give it some more time.
How have you all been?

Saturday, March 12, 2016

It's not Oliver, it's us

We went to see a children therapist about 10 days ago. The first appointment is called parental intake. We talked to her for 45 min going through a questionnaire we had pre-filled and she was asking additional things. We told her how Oliver can say things so so hurtful (and scary) like I will call the police, tell them you hit me so you go to jail. And how bed time is hell. How we are at the end of the tether we don't know what else to do. The main points we came out with from the session were that her first concern was that Oliver was somewhat above average for academic intelligence and that this is a problem as we forget he is only 5. While this seems a good thing, for a child and his parents it isn't. I't very difficult to parent a child that to you sounds more and more like a teenager and not a child. The next thing was that we treat Martina and Oliver much the same while Martina is still a toddler (even though we definitely don't see her as a toddler) and Oliver is a school boy. That really we should treat them differently, they should go to bed at different times and possibly be separated in different rooms (they love sleeping in the same room but we know this is one of the reasons why bedtime is hell...they wind each other up..). She also said we need to be much firmer in our parenting, not engage in any negotiation, we are those in charge, not him. We should also not reward normal behaviour (say it is normal that a child does not run around a shop, rewarding him when he does behave well in a shop is not ok). And that we should let them watch more television. Not games on the iPad (Oliver gets 5 minutes at the weekend only) but cartoons are ok. I suppose we just don't watch television during the day, we have one television in the sitting room and that's it, but she said actually letting the children watch a cartoon in the evening after dinner is calming and watching tv with them is an opportunity to talk about what's going on in the cartoon. She mentioned she may recommend that Oliver should be assessed and possibly we could be referred to a psychiatric clinic...

So I came out with a splitting headache and my heart weighing a ton. We decided to implement straight away the staggered bed time. We thought it was going to be hell but actually it's as if we discovered a new world. Oliver loves having a little longer downstairs and Martina is tired anyway. Mike was perfectly capable of doing this on his own too and Oliver in a matter of 3 days became a different child. And I mean the total opposite. Obedient, understanding. We made clear there will be treats twice a week and only linked to good behaviour and again that worked beautifully. Bed time no longer lasts 2 hours but it's 20 min per child. Seriously if someone had told me this would work I would not have believe it.

And we went back today, the idea is that we go in first, tell her about the week then Oliver goes in. Only things went a bit differently. We talked beforehand that we should tell her we are having issues in our marriage too (we didn't say this the first time). So after a round up of our amazing progress (she was delighted, had met Oliver in the waiting room already and thought he was your normal friendly child) Mike told her about our difficulties. She asked us to talk to her about it and basically in the end she said that maybe it's us needing therapy. We chatted some more, I told her how things have changed for me, about the lack of support I feel, how Mike has rarely be the person I would confide in and now not at all. We touched on a few points like forgetting birthdays, upbringing etc. Looks like next week she will see only us. She did spend about 20 min with Oliver and when she came out she said he is the most normal, though likely above average for intelligence and she doesn't need to see him again for a few weeks. So here we go, it's couple therapy for us.